Wise Man Wipeout:

Moses. Hero of the Old Testament. Leader of the Exodus. Parter of the Red Sea. Holder of the Ten Commandments and the Ark of the Covenant. Agent of God.

Yoda. Teacher of Jedi Knights. Master of the Force. Lifter of X-wing fighters out of swamps. Short. Green.

These are the wisest of the wise. Both speak softly, carry big sticks and are renowned for their discipline and control. Vote now then get out of the way, 'cause the universe is going to tremble!

Join us now in a battle we had to call...

Spare the Rod and Spoil the Fight

CLARE: Hello again!. We are coming to you live from Tatooine, home planet of Luke Skywalker for a fight between possibly the two oldest swingers in town. Moses of Israel and Yoda of Dagobah. These two old gentlemen have put up with the rumors for long enough and have come out of retirement to prove to the youngsters that they still have what it takes to "cut the mustard" in the boxing ring. Yoda won the toss to where the fight was to be held and there's not a sea in sight for Moses to part and not a storm cloud in the sky. I'm Clare Razer.How's the crowd holding up Bob?

BOB: Hi! And I'm Bob Panning. The ringside is pretty packed Clare. Many walks of life are waiting for this fight.

CLARE: You can say that again! This is a "no hold bars" knuckle fight where anything goes. The only rules are no outside help is allowed and the biting of ankles is not permitted.

BOB: And boy, do they look mean tonight! Both looking most impressive at their age. I must say Clare that the floor is gonna rumble and one is going down for good!

CLARE: They're chomping on their gum shields Bob!! Lets get some reaction from the audience at home......

I think it is so cool that you chose my idea for a battle I love Yoda and I think the force is awesome and all but Moses has god on his side so I don't know who will come out on top but I think my money is on Yoda

Yoda! Come on, Moses has the strength of one god, while the green guy's got the life energy of all the living beings in the galaxy! He could turn Moses' life energy on him and in the heat of battle utilize the tactics of the dark side to strangle the old geezer!

Moses was real, and was a great guy, but Yoda is way more cooler and has the Force as his ally

Moses would win because he has God on his side. Yoda's powers would not do any good against God's.

Okay. Yoda's cool and green. He can lift a starship and is probably a natural with a light sabre. But he sent Luke Skywalker out to do his dirty work. Moses met the pharaoh and the Egyptians head on. He brought the plagues (with help admittedly) upon them and led the Jews into the promised land. He parted the Red Sea, for Heaven's sake (literally). No contest... Moses is the man!

Moses had fifteen, oh, I mean ten commandants. Yoda was cool. Moses had miracles - like the water turning to blood. Yoda was cool. Guess I have go with Moses. But Yoda was cool.

It's someone with the power of God behind him against someone with the Force need I say more. I fell the Eleneth commandment coming on Thou shall bow down or be clowned!!!

Moses would win for sure, God's on his side, and you know you can't stop GOD!!

Moses has been doing this for a lot longer than Yoda, is favored by God, and has already killed a man without the help of the force, just his own hands.

Moses is weak and old! Without his bloody stick that "GOD" empowered, he would just be a simple man that was sent by a plant. Yoda on the other hand, doesn't need a stick and would simply strangle Moses to death. And if Yoda dies, he would come back as glowing Yoda and send him back to his creator.

Pleeeease.... Yoda is far superior to moses in three areas. Number one - powers... Moses couldn't do anything on his own. God had to do everything for him, and then he took all the credit. Number two - fighting skills...Yoda uses his powers to combat evil, Moses used them to run away. Experience - Yoda was 400 and some odd years old...moses died when he was seventy something. Yoda will whip his sorry butt all over the place.

Good Match! Hard decision, Yoda is a Jedi Master but Moses has God! They both got fed up with their 'kids'(trainees) and both didn't die they just Disappeared! In the end I chose Yoda Cause' I'm a S.W. Freak! Win Yoda must. Yes!

I have to give the nod to Moses on this one. Yes, Yoda is strong with the force; but who the hell do you think the force is! God, dummy!

Moses may have the height, the weight, and the Almighty on his side, but Yoda has the Force. It surrounds them. It binds them. And if Yoda tells it not to hold Moses together, well, Moses will have a new Red Sea to part (heh, heh!)

Well what can I say.maybe the fact Moses was a real person and Yoda is just a puppet! Secondly he has God on his side not the force so there!

Moses faced a burning bush. He received the 15 commandments (delivered 10). He turned his rod into a snake. He parted the Red Sea. Yoda is a hand puppet.

The ears, man, the EARS!! You have to admit, Yoda has the coolest graphics. At the risk of incurring the Wrath of God (tm), I'm gonna have to go with the Jedi on this one. The movie was better.

This one is short and sweet. Let's face it Moses has God on his side. No matter what kind of Physics-lawbreaking warrior he's going up against, it will go down, and go down hard.

Yoda all the way, man. I mean Moses is a cool guy an' all, but Yoda would take him out in a heartbeat. He's got the Force. All he would have to do it lift Moses up a billion feet and drop him.

Yoda would definitely get the first shot in; Divine Intervention tends to be big and take a while.

What's the point yoda will kick his bible bashing ass.

Moses has God. Yoda has big ears. I'm going with Moses and God.

Moses may not have direct supernatural control over his surroundings like Yoda does, but he CAN call upon the True God to smite Yoda with a bolt of lightning from Heaven itself.

I'd say its Yoda. Well, one can debate a long time about who would win, but I'd say because he has a Weird Al song named after him.

It's Yoda come on it's Yoda nuff said.

Come on!! Yoda rules!not some old balding religious guy who stands around on mountains holding rocks!

Moses has got a lot of cool powers and and can part a real mean red sea, but Yoda is the second best jedi in the whole star wars movies, that's means he should win!

Sure, I'll give Moses his dues. We all know that Moses unleashed the 12 plagues', parted the Red Sea, made it rain bread and spring water from rock; but, Moses never had to fight Emperor Palpatine or Darth Vader, he never had to pull a multi-ton X-Wing out from the bottom of a murky swamp or try to teach Luke Skywalker the ways of the Force. Yoda did, and he did those all on his own; Moses was merely a conduit of God's power. And to top it all off Yoda has more humility than Moses.

Moses was a servant of God. Yoda is a JEDI MASTER. He has mastered his power. Moses is simply a worker for God. Has Moses ever trained anyone? Has Moses been able to hide from James Earl Jones? Has Moses inspired a new generation of Science Fiction movies? I don't think so.

This was one of the toughest calls of my life. Moses who lead the Israelites to safety and was example to us all. Or Yoda the great Jedi Trainer. But my decision came down to my beliefs, and I must choose Moses. Not because Yoda sucks, that's totally untrue, rather Moses is human just like the rest of us. Yoda is the cute little green guy we'd all like to be.

BOB: Boy, some strong feelings there Clare! It looks like they're ready to rumble.... over to you.

CLARE: The crowd's getting restless Bob and there's a smell of warm Wookie in the air... and there goes the bell!!!!

BOB: Moses is out first, bouncing on his toes as if he is not a day older than 20, a glint in his eye portraying a will to wipe the floor with the green geezer.

CLARE: Looks like Yoda's gonna have trouble moving in that robe of his... nope, that's off to reveal tiger-print trunks..he was prepared!! He's dancing around, egging on Moses to throw the first punch and.....

BOB: WHAM! Moses has struck with his left hand! Whoa, I thought Moses was strictly a Right-Hand man Clare. Yoda looks a little distressed!

CLARE: Ohhhh, that connected right between the eyes! But Yoda's in with a right hander to the stomach and he's making a grab for Moses Beard...

BOB: Foot swipe from Moses followed by a double handed push. Moses is looking a little sore though. Can he take this pace for the whole fight Clare?

CLARE: Lets hope so or it's gonna be a quick contest. Yoda springs into action and jumps on Moses right foot. He's hopping mad now Bob...

BOB: Moses grabs Yoda by the ears and lifts him clear over his head and lets go. Yoda goes down....first fall of the match! Is he moving Clare?

CLARE: I can see an ear twitch Bob.. Moses moves in for a closer look at his handy work. It's looks like Yoda is trying to say something... Moses bends down and.... YESSS!!!! Yoda smacks him one in the face and follows through with the elbow in the throat routine. Looks like Yoda was playing dead Bob.

BOB: Seems he is quite adept at it too Clare. Viewers, Moses is MAD. Wow, you can actually see the fire in his eyes! He reaches into his robe........BANG!! double backhander with a large stone tablet! Ouch!

CLARE: Now that's playing dirty! Yoda's staggering about clutching his head like it's going to fall off... He stumbles into his corner and ...he turns and charges at Moses with his stick, swinging it.....RIGHT between Moses legs. Now THAT's gotta hurt!!

BOB: EEEEEEE!! All the male species of all the races are clutching their reproductive organs in a empathic reflex to that one! Moses is looking red and its not with anger! He reaches out - and his rod flies to him! I thought that was a Jedi-only trick! He's thrown it to the floor......its the 'Stick to Snake' routine!.....and it looks a nasty breed Clare!

CLARE: And Yoda just STANDS there.. wait I can feel a ripple in the force.... Yoda's bending down, he picks up the snake, ties it in a couple of knots and hands it back to Moses...there's laughter coming from the Yoda supporters. Moses ain't a happy man. Ohhhh, if looks could kill..

BOB: Its not looks that is a danger to Yoda, its the tall bearded guy in front of him! I smell the possibility of charred Jedi Master if he is not quick on his feet!

CLARE: Moses is raising his hands to the heavens.... Never mind the burning bush! We've got a burning Yoda!!! He's on the floor, rolling the flames out!! He's up! He's a bit fried round the edges but otherwise o.k..Don't try that at home kids.....

BOB: I do believe that is a reason for disqualification : using outside help. Referee should blow his whistle to stop the match now... where the hell is the referee?! He's gone! Can no-one stop this match?! Seeing the intensity of the two opponents, I don't think anyone is brave enough to!

CLARE: Can you blame them? Wait! The crowd's looking up! There's seems to be some kind of disturbance in the heavens.....It's look like.... a VERY large locust the size of a waste truck , and it's falling in the general direction of Yoda....

BOB: Yoda closes his eyes awaiting the imminent crush from a 500lb insect - hold on... he is holding it aloft with the force!! This seems to be a battle of wills now, whose power is greater! One is pushing down and the other is pushing up!! This fight is the worth the price of the ticket viewers!!!

CLARE: Well, Yoda hasn't got much in the way of legs, but what he has got are buckling under the strain . Sweat is dripping from him, I can't tell if his face is screwed up in concentration, or he always looks that that. It looks pretty bad for the little green guy Bob.

BOB: The pressure must be immense! But, no matter how hard he is trying, the locust keeps bearing down. WAIT!! IT LOOKS LIKE THE FIGHT HAS GONE OUT OF HIM!!!

CLARE: You're right there Bob! It's getting too much for the old Jedi Master, strong in the force is he, but not THAT strong. HE'S ON HIS KNEES AND......

BOB: TOUCHDOWN!!! The ring rocks with the impact of the giant exoskeleton connecting with a tiny short, green husk of a Jedi Master!! The Moses Crew go WILD!!! There's burning bush cheerleaders spelling his name out and Moses himself is just lapping up the glory! He seems to be giving the 'come on then' gesture to the crowd and shouting something.... Moses is letting the world know that when it comes fighting, Yoda is Old

Moses: 171

Yoda: 149

BOB: I'm Bob Panning wishing you a goodnight..

CLARE: and I'm Clare Razer. Tune in next week for the clash between the "USS Defiant" of DS9 and the "White Star" of Babylon5. Better buckle up!!

Moses (TM) is the property © of God
Yoda (TM) is the property © of Lucusfilms
This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.

The Part of Clare written by Melanie Herzog
The Part of Bob written by Carl Alan Giddens